‘S … Selphie … I … I don’t … I don’t think … I can … do this. I … I don’t think I can … stay here. I … I know your trying to help me … and I said I’d stay … but now I’m not so sure I can. I’m scared … no I am actually terrified …’ a tear slips down his face and lands on the white tee-shirt Selphie is wearing. ‘Oh I need to stop crying … but they’ve all been tears of fear, which are the hardest sort to stop. I’m scared I’ll never leave here like they didn’t … years ago. But also … I’m scared I’ll … I’ll hurt Selphie …’ another tear joins the first. A third is about to follow when he feels the arms around him tighten, pulling him in closer and a voice says quietly,

“Can’t sleep either?”

He looks up towards the top of the bed through blurred vision and sees Selphie looking down at him through half lidded eyes. Seeing the tears in his eyes, Selphie starts to pull him even closer, only to stop abruptly when he winces.

“Oh Irvy, I’m sorry … did I … did I hurt you?”
“No … reflex I guess.”
“Where does it normally hurt? … I want to hold you … but I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Top of my back.”
“So if I hold you here …” she says as she shuffles down the bed to wrap her arms round the small of his back, “… will I hurt you?”

They are lying so that their eyes are at the same level; her brown ones are level with his swimming purple ones. He shakes his head at her in answer to her question. She smiles and tucks her head under his chin hugging him tight to herself. He holds her back, stroking her hair while he blinks back his tears.

“Selphie?” he whispers.
“Yes Irvine,” she replies, opening her eyes but not moving.
“… Stay with me?”
“Always,” she says as she smiles and embraces him again.

‘Always, that’s a big commitment Selphie, but one I really appreciate. And … I love you for it. Selphie, you shouldn’t have to deal with this, I’m sorry I’m putting you through this. I hope it isn’t too hurtful for you. That’s why I went to Squall, my best friend, rather than to you, my most precious possession. I hate to remove the smile from your face, the smile I know you are wearing right now.’

‘I hope I can get out of here soon. I don’t mind having to rest in a dorm, even if I have to be kept under observation, by Selphie of course. We need to spend time together. I need to make it up to her, need to show her that I care for her a great deal, more than she possibly can realise. She means more to me than anyone else ever has.’

Selphie moves in her sleep slightly, moving her arms up Irvine’s back and squeezing hard. Irvine grunts as pain flickers across his eyes. He takes a few deep breaths in the hope that it will dislodge Selphie’s tight grip on him. But when this fails he starts to whisper into her ear,

“S … Selph … you … you need to let … let me go …. W … wake up … Selphie … wake up.”

His voice slowly increases in volume as he begs Selphie to let him go. She hears him after a couple of minutes, and opening her eyes she looks up at him and noticing his expression of pain she relaxes her hold on him and says,

“Irvine, what’s wrong? Did I do something?”
“Don’t worry … it’ll pass in a … minute,” he replies through gritted teeth.
“You sure? Shouldn’t I get Dr. Kad-”
“No. I’ll be fine. … I just …”
“What Irvine, what do you need? Let me help, please.”
“I just … want you to hold me … please? I need to get onto my … back first to support it and hopefully ease the pain. But you can lie next to me and well, … hold me like earlier. Please? I just need to feel you, and I’ll stay here for as long as you want me to, and to sort the pain. And I’ll stay with you, always, as long as you want me.”
“I don’t want rid of you Irvy. Your mine, always. Here let me help you turn onto your back.”

She helps him, as best as she can, to turn over and then lies next to him, holding him as he requested her to. He slowly relaxes as the pain weakens and finally goes. But he still doesn’t sleep. Instead he thinks some more.

‘I’m really so sorry Selphie. I’m sorry. I’m gonna have to find some way to make this up to you, and I will for all the anguish I’ve caused over this …’

*~*~*~*~

Squall arrives outside Irvine’s room in the Infirmary after testing one of the spells in the privacy of his dorm.

‘Well it worked in my dorm, so I guess it will now. I mean I could see and count all the bullets in the draw of my desk do it must work, and I found an extra one in my room under the bed. I didn’t know how many I had before I tried the spell and I certainly didn’t know about the one under my bed so it implies the spells work. I guess now is the time of reckoning, to find out if I am the cause of Irvine’s problem.’

By chance he glances through the window looking into the room to see Irvine lying on his back and Selphie next to him with her left arm over his chest. He can’t see Selphie’s eyes but he can see Irvine’s eyes are open and staring at the ceiling. He notices the tear slip down from Irvine’s right eye towards the pillow. Squall is about to go in when the movement of Selphie’s hand catches his attention and he sees her reach up and wipe the tear away. He sees them both talking, then Selphie’s hand moves from Irvine’s cheek to the back of his head. She entwines her fingers in his hair, cupping his head, and she reaches up and presses her lip to his, initiating a kiss between them. Squall draws back at this point and stands leaning against the wall.

‘I shouldn’t be watching this. It’s not for my eyes to see. I guess the spell can wait until morning, or rather later on in the morning. I can’t just barge in on them. And anyway he’s waited six months for this, what are a few more hours? This is their time, I can’t interrupt it, Irvine would forgive me for it, but I couldn’t forgive myself for it.’

With that he leaves the Infirmary and walks back towards the dorm area, and back to Rinoa.

*~*~*~*~

‘… For all the anguish I’ve caused everyone. I know I’ve caused a lot and I know I need to make it up to you as best as I can.’

A tear forms in his right eye and slips down his face, only to be stopped by a hand which gently touches his face, preventing it reaching his hair or the pillow.

“Selph. I didn’t realise you were awake.”
“You in pain Irvy?”
“No. I’m not crying.”
“So what is this?” she says holding her hand up.
“My eyes always water when I lie on my back.”
“There is no need to lie to protect me Irvy, I know your crying as I can feel your breathing hitch; remember I’m on your chest.”
“S … Selph …”

He feels her hand move from his cheek to take up residence just at the base of his skull, entwining her fingers in his hair. He feels her slide up the bed so that his is looking her in the eyes.

“Selph?”

She says nothing, only closes the gap between them, moving her head downwards, closing her eyes she presses her lips to his. He gently coaxes him to respond, which he does by deepening the kiss. He wraps his arms round her back and runs his tongue over her bottom lip and when she opens her mouth to him, she meets his tongue with hers, before letting him in.

‘Oh Selph … you really know how to make one feel better. You’re just the best Selph. You taste as always, of strawberries and cinnamon. Just don’t stop, please … I need this, I think.’

Irvine continues to kiss Selphie, until the need for air becomes too great for the both of them and they break apart, foreheads resting together, breathing in deeply each others breaths.

“I-I love you Selphie. Am … am I weak by admitting that?”
“No, Irvy, No. You’re not weak, and I love you too. More than anything,” she says as she lies down next to him, supporting herself on her right arm.
“Selph … what’s wrong with me? Am … am I going to … die?” Irvine asks in a small voice.
“No. You. Can’t. Die.” She says through gritted teeth to him. “I need you Irvy, don’t leave.”
“I don’t want to, but … what’s wrong with me?”
“I’ll explain,” she says as she lies down next to him, content to play with a lock of his auburn hair as she talks. “Dr. Kadowaki says she thinks there is a bullet lodged in your spinal cord. That’s what has been causing you so much pain, which then leads to the black outs as your body can’t cope with the amounts of pain you experience.”
“A bullet … then this is down to …” he trails off into though.
“Squall … yes.”
“No. Me. I … I wouldn’t let Dr. Kadowaki check me over properly after I was shot. I was too desperate to leave … to get out of here. It’s my fault. And Squall must be feeling terrible and I can’t tell him it isn’t his fault at the moment. It’s my fault. And I’ve scared and worried you and Squall and … actually who else knows?”
“Well Zell and Rinoa certainly do, and everyone else who saw you being carried through Garden today after lunch.”
“Oh … so not many people then.”
“Nice to see you are back to joking Irvy!” Selphie says while smiling.
“Make the most of a bad situation. You know I do.”
“Mmmm, Irvy.”
“Selph?”
“Mmmm …?”
“Never mind. Sleep my Selph, sleep.”
“Mmmm.”

Selphie snuggles in closer to Irvine, drifting off to sleep with his arm round her, breathing him in as she sleeps. Irvine still can’t sleep, so he ends up staring at the ceiling, events replaying through his mind as he thinks.

‘That day … the most pain I’ve ever felt, well except for when Ultimecia cast pain on me, that was the same sort of pain, only all over my body, not just in my shoulder. Mind you I passed out pretty quick from them both. First time I was cured, second time I hade to endure it for a longer time, and jolts from being carried. Although I can remember waking slightly as Squall carried me, hence feeling the jolts of pain as he carried me. I wasn’t fully conscious, but I remember being picked up, I remember him walking through the forest with me; I remember how safe I felt with him, in pain, but safe. I remember him collapsing next to the bed after he laid me down, remember his broken crying and then him closing up again as I got to close. Although those last two were after I woke properly and cured myself. Or rather, not cured myself. I remember our time on the Serengetti Plains. How it was left to me to show him, to help him, and I managed it though it was hard on me. I’m not sure if people realised how hard it was on me, out in the plains, with just Squall. He wouldn’t talk for the first few days, he ignored me completely, which hurt, and I felt alone. Not many people know this but after the orphanage I hate being alone; and it felt like that with Squall as he was ignoring me. He is my best friend; he knows it now, how I hate being alone, as I opened up to him as well as him opening up to me, and I love him. Not that I’m gay or bi, but I love him none the less, he is like a brother. In fact he is my brother as far as I’m concerned. I wonder if I do have a brother. I mean the memory I have of before the orphanage, I only remember a mother and a father, no siblings, and later at the hospital, all I remember is being alone. The worst feeling in the world that – alone. I still remember it even now, and still hate it. Much as I want to forget it, it’ll probably never leave me, no matter how good you are to me Selph; I don’t think I’ll ever forget. I wish I could, but I can’t. I hate it, I still remember when I first went to the orphanage, everyone knew everyone, and then there was me, sat in a corner on my own, until Squall came, then we were two alone and sat in corners, and eventually we paired. Then I got to know everyone else, and it got better. But it is amazing that no matter how surrounded by people you are, you can still feel totally alone. I’ve experienced it many times. My first day at Galbadia Garden, so many people, yet so alone. It was intimidating, but I got over it by playing on my natural looks and charm and made sure I was never alone, to fill the gap. I got over loosing everyone that meant something to me again. But this time they came back to me … didn’t remember me but came back all the same. But I wonder how long I’ll be allowed to stay. It’s not like Balamb Garden really needs another Sniper, even though I am the best in the three Gardens. I guess it won’t be long before I get shipped back to Galbadia. Away from everyone else … oh well I guess that is the fate of a sniper and I will have to go back to my old ways to make sure I’m not alone. The fate, to always be alone, detached from everyone, everything from life even, it’s just not the way for me. A solitary life is what I’m meant to lead, what all snipers should lead, and no emotional attachment, nothing that could betray you. Prevent you from performing your job properly. Nobody that will get hurt if you don’t return from a mission, should something happen and you’re caught. I shouldn’t put Selphie through something like that, it isn’t fair on her. On anyone. I guess it would be better in the long run if I went back to Galbadia after all.’

He gently removes his arm from under Selphie and gets up from the bed, heading over to the window. He stands and stares up at the stars for a few moments before he climbs onto the window sill and ignoring the cold he seats himself into the corner and leaning against the window he draws his legs into his chest and hugs them. He places his forehead on his knees, his bangs cover his face and his hair falls over his shoulders and over his back. He sits and thinks some more.

‘I guess this is how it has to be. See but don’t touch. I guess it is time to become like Squall. Or rather like he was. No matter how much it will hurt me, I have to do it. Cold, distant … make the pain less for everyone when I do get dismissed. Well everyone except me I guess. Sorry Selph, but this is how it has to be. Sooner or later wither you’ll get sent back to Trabia, or I’ll have to go back to Galbadia … even though I am now a fully fledged SeeD … actually for you it’ll be later, at least you’re useful in the Garden Festival Committee, for me it’ll be sooner, I have no use here. Though when I do go, I’ll sorely miss Balamb Garden and town. The people, the atmosphere, it’s just so different from Galbadia, in some ways I prefer the people here, the atmosphere here, guess I’d better not get too used to it. Mind you I think I’m gonna feel out of place in Galbadia now. I guess I’ll just have to get used to it again.’

He lift’s his head from his knees to look at the clock.

‘Unh, 4am,’ he thinks as his forehead returns to his knees, ‘why is time going so slowly? And I can’t seem to sleep.’ His eyes close as his hair covers his face completely. ‘I’m so tired … yet can’t seem to sleep … can’t seem to stop thinking … can’t seem to … sleep …’

His whole body slumps and relaxes against the window, his head remains against his knees and his arms remain around his legs as he sleeps.

Selphie curls round a pillow and sleeps on; blissfully unaware Irvine has left the bed.

*~*~*~*~

‘I wonder if Irvine has actually woken yet. He and Selphie are in exactly the same positions we left them in. I hope he isn’t … he can’t be … can he? He can’t have slipped into a coma can he? No, surely not. It can’t be that serious … I can’t have injured him that badly can I? Wait … I’ve just seen them awake, so what am I thinking? I’m going mad or maybe just worrying too much.’

Squall is stood by the window in Rinoa’s dorm, hands on the window sill and staring up at the stars. He is bathed by the silver glow of the moon, highlighting his shiny hair and his pale skin. He is still dressed in his white top, black jeans, boots and gloves. His jacket can just be made out in the gloom of the room on the back of a chair.

‘Hasn’t enough happened to us already? I mean we’ve seen more than most, been through exceedingly tough times. Yet we’ve all got through it. All come out the other side together, though not the same … better. We came out better. We’ve all grown up faster than we should have. But we can still be kids occasionally. Well everyone else can, I still find it hard. I’ve had so much responsibility thrust at me and put onto my shoulders that I don’t really know how to relax or rather I can’t remember how to. I mean commander during the fight against the sorceress. I still am mind you and still I’m asked to make decisions for the whole of Garden, decisions which affect everyone, and if I screw up it’s seen by everyone. One wrong decision and I can get a lot of people killed; I have to carefully think about every decision to make sure it is the best course of action, the one with the smallest risk to our students. Ugh, why can’t I sleep? I just keep staring out at the night sky and thinking yet I know I’m tired, just can’t sleep. Can only keep thinking, worrying, pondering. Sometimes I wish there were a way to shut my brain off so I could sleep. I guess tonight I’m just destined to think not sleep.’

He turns round so that he is leaning on the window sill, looking at Rinoa who is asleep on her bed.

‘So beautiful and peaceful, and so asleep, the one thing I want right now. Unh. Fine you want me this way body, just don’t blame me when you are all sluggish tomorrow.’

He turns back to look out the window at the stars again.

‘Hn, the stars are calming to look at. They look unmoving, yet in reality they are moving a lot, in a dance I guess. Hmmm, calming, but unfortunately not sleep inducing. I guess I’m just worried about tomorrow, about what we’ll find out. About Irvine, and what I may have done to him. Well not may have, probably have done to him.’ He sighs. ‘I’m not going to fell sorry for myself and cry; I’ve done enough of that already. And it won’t help Irvine. I want to help him, only I don’t know how. I can’t talk to him; I don’t really know how to talk. I guess it is down to Selphie to help him through it, she connects to him, the way I wish I could, just don’t know how to. Mind you it is probably better that Selphie is the one to be there for him, not me. I need to spend time with Rinoa. I know Irvine’s and my friendship will get through this, but I mustn’t loose Rinoa because of it. I get the feeling that at the orphanage he and I were close; I’ll have to ask him some day, or get Ellone to send me back and find out. But Rinoa wasn’t there, so I guess she feels like an outsider, and so I need to prove to her that it doesn’t matter that she wasn’t there, prove to her how much she means to me, though I’ll find it hard, I’ll manage eventually.’

He jumps when he feels a slim pair of arms wrap themselves around his waist and a chin lean on his shoulder.

“Wow, Rin you scared me,” he says quietly.
“That deep in though?” she asks voice equally quiet.
“Yeah.”
“Anything important?”
“Nothing for you to worry about,” he says as he leans back onto her, putting his arms over hers and putting his head on her shoulder, facing in towards her neck breathing her in.
“Aren’t you tired Squall?”
“Very.”
“So why …?”
“Couldn’t sleep, head to busy.”

She shifts slightly so that she can look at him. He wavers slightly as she moves but to his credit he doesn’t fall. She is now standing so she can see his face which is resting on her shoulder. She can feel his breath on her neck and can see his eyes are closed. She moves her head a little closer to his so that as she talks her lips brush his.

“So is your head still busy?” she all but whispers, her lips brushing his.
“Uhuh,” he replies.
“How about now?” she asks as she closes the few millimetres gap between her lips and his, kissing him, though without tongues.
“Well?” she asks as they pull apart.
“Not sure,” he replies smiling, “need to test it again.” And he presses his lips to hers, quickly deepening the kiss to involve their tongues too. All through this his eyes have remained closed.
“So?” she asks as they break apart.
“As I thought, all quiet.”
“Hn. Come on Squall, come to bed.”
“I won’t sleep.”
“Squall, you have to try, even if it is only for a few hours.”
“Toomuch t’think ‘bout.”
“Squall,” Rinoa giggles, “your falling asleep on my shoulder, come on, come to bed.”
“Mmmm. Not. Thinking.”
“Come.”

She pulls him towards the bed, but instead of moving or rather instead of walking he falls onto the bed, spooning her into himself, to protect her, should something go wrong. They land on the bad, Rinoa giggling into Squall’s shoulder. He then curls up round her still not opening his eyes.

“Heh, Squall, you do the funniest things sometimes.”
“Hn.”
“Squall, you awake?”
“Hn,” he replies, voice thick with sleep.
“Squall,” she whispers, “Do you know how much I love you?”
“Hn,” he grunts, voice faint, obviously almost asleep.
“More than life itself,” she whispers to him before kissing him gently on the cheek.

He doesn’t reply to this, all she can hear is his steady breathing as he sleeps.

*~*~*~*~